E Y E - O P E N E R

hey y'all. long time not chat.
sorry i start so many of my posts like that.
lately i've been trying to step away from social media for a hot minute so i can focus on what's really important in preparation for my mission.
man has it been good, so refreshing and awesome. and even more so eye opening. i wasted so much time scrolling through friends, family and loved ones that i care so much about (not even just instagram or facebook friends that i didn't really know they just seemed cool i got rid of those long ago). looking at that 10% of their lives through that square we take so much time perfecting. i want to see the other 90%. the hard days, so i can stop by and say hi. the rough times, so i can share words of encouragement. the sad days, where i can be a shoulder to cry on. I want to really know what's going on in your life, but we don't show that through social media. we can't it's not acceptable. we can't be vulnerable.

well guess what guys, i am here to say that we can be! its hard, its scary but man is it worth it and it all happens OFF social media. try calling up a friend instead of commenting on their picture that you miss them and want to hang out then never actually do. with me leaving on my mission in a short 49 days (who's counting) i feel like i am dying. and on may 16th i go to the grave. I'm not going to see friends and family again. but then ya know november 2019 comes around and i'm home again. But i really feel that way. and just catching up with friends via comments on fb or instagram posts isn't good enough for me anymore. i want to see them, hug them, hear their laughs. texting is great, it's convenient but how can i express sarcasm, or emotion over a text? i can't. i wanna call you up and see what you're doing, or tell you the story of how i ripped my jeans, or ran into a cute boy. i don't want to talk to a little chat box on my phone. I want to talk to a human. (i know ironic cause i am typing a blog post right now, but ya know this is how i know people will see it) but i will become this robot sister standage that you only hear from once a week and you forget about me. i really want to see everyone i love before i go. I want to have that one last memory to hold onto, i want to be caught up on their lives, i want to take a quick pic so i can print it and take it with me. i've gotten all sentimental because i'm gonna miss my people at home for the next 18 months.

but about 2 weeks ago i logged out of and deleted my facebook and instagram from my phone. and honestly it's been rough it really has. they are addicting. how will i know about pregnancies, weddings, parties, birthdays, etc? those are the posts i'll miss, the important things. When I was on instagram or facebook so much during the day i'd get jealous that so and so was in Hawaii and I've never been. or this person just got a new car, or she just graduated, or this little 19 year old is going on a mission, or blah blah blah. so many people showing that 10% that i was comparing to the other 90% of my life. and guys my life is pretty dang good. yeah it sucks sometimes, yeah its not perfect, but i like it.

I was comparing their 10% to my 90% and it was making me feel bad about myself. Making me feel stupid because I failed a class that put me back a semester graduating, which led to me to take a break for a semester that turned into two. Making me feel not good enough for anyone because everyone is getting married, having kids, getting engaged, or just in a relationship. Making me feel like i am not doing well enough because i don't have enough money to buy this brand new car or have the most stylish clothes. Making me feel ridiculous because I am just now going on a mission at almost 22. but y'all i loved not being in school because i didn't have to stress for a little, i could breathe and focus on going to the temple, working out, being outside instead of crammed behind my computer all hours of the day for school. i love being single, yeah i get lonely sometimes, but i don't think i'd be human if i didn't. I love being able to date myself, go out to lunch, go to the movies, read a book without having to worry about what someone else wants to do. I have been able to pay for trips to mexico, canada and india for years and i don't think any car would amount the the price of those memories and friendships. y'all i can assure you none of you would want me on a mission at 19, i wasn't ready, i wouldn't have tried as hard, I wouldn't know myself as well as i do, and i wouldn't be as willing to admit i have flaws and need to change things to do better. i was perfect at 19 obviously, but here at 22 i am definitely more aware of those around me and their needs which i am excited to be able to share and serve with the people of the Australia Adelaide mission.

all those posts would make me feel bad about my perfectly imperfect life that i love so dear. those little squares don't show the bad nearly as much as the good but i can assure you there are so many days that i cry, even more days that i stress myself out about scenarios that haven't even happened and most likely never will, nights and weekends where i am in bed by 8 o'clock, me finishing up a cookie the same time i am just about to start working out, spending to much money at chick-fil-a, sitting in my car reading a book at the temple or in my bed watching greys anatomy. if you zoom out from my instagram pictures you'll see me, family drama, tears, travels, laughs, and naps. you'd see it all if you really wanted to.

i have found out my love language is presence, not presents but i mean who doesn't love a heartfelt gift? but presence. I have come to love when someone is there, not on their phone texting someone, not taking a picture, not googling something, but really there. yes, I am on my phone quite a bit, and when i catch myself on it with others around i really try and put it down. but when someone is there really just enjoying the moment it's so great. I think that's why I have come to love the temple so much, because i leave my phone in my car, i can't see it, i can't hear it, i don't worry about it and i can focus on me, and my needs. Since I have "given up" social media i don't worry about snagging a picture of the temple, or whatever the heck i am doing because i don't need to. I'm not worrying about when i can post again on instagram to stay relevant, or how good my stories (make me) look. cause quite honestly i did care about that. i didn't wanna look like a loser, so you had to be smart about it.

man was i an idiot who cared a lot about my social media profiles more than i cared about a lot of other things. but seeing from collin kartchner how this affecting children. and how close to home some of these issues were hitting i had to stop this habit now. I don't want my future husband to have this habit and i certainly don't want my children to. so i shouldn't either. the social media epidemic is wiping us out worse than a plague could.

all in all i don't even know if this post made any sense to you. but it does to me. social media is harmful and is controlling our lives. TRY THIS delete instagram, or facebook off your phone and see how often your thumb scrolls to the spot that it used to be at.. it's alarming honestly.

here is my review on a social media free two weeks.
yes i have gotten on a few times to check something, or whatnot. it's hard to just quit cold turkey when it's been such a normal thing in your life. but deleting it makes it so much easier to restrain from checking it. man i have read 4 books, onto my 5th, i've finished the book of mormon again, i've gotten 95% of my mission shopping done, and i've taken a nap or two. it's been great. i have been happier these past two weeks because i have taken away that toxic constant comparison. yeah i still stress about stupid stuff, yeah i still waste time. but i feel more productive, happier, and healthier in all honesty.
I RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL. PLEASE TRY IT. its hard but it's worth it i promise.

sorry sorry that i got on social media to post about this. i hope it was the last social media post you saw for awhile cause now you're deleting it.

xoxo jordie

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